Today is only the second day that I haven't had to rush off and teach elementary school kids at my city schools. I've been on the run since September, or at least it feels that way, but now that my programs have ended, I feel slightly . . . adrift. Though they were challenging students to teach, to put it mildly, knowing that I would see their wee shining faces come 3:30 every day gave my days balance, rhythm, shape. Granted, the balance was in their favor, the shape was a squiggly puddle and the rhythm was something like flamenco, only less graceful, but still, there's something to be said for being on the move all the time.
Now what? I'm left with their end-of-program tests to grade and some sweet pictures from the parties I threw last week, but ultimately . . . what just happened?
Though this year has possibly been the second most difficult year of my life (the first being the year we waited to see if CL had Huntington's Disease), it has also been rewarding in unexpected ways. I have a clarity and quiet strength that I never thought I'd achieve, and I've pointed my life in a direction I'm excited about and know I will be successful in the next step of my own evolution.
This, of course, comes as a result of MUCH frustration, fury, injustice, outrage, fear, panic and one hell of a tiny paycheck.
I can't say I'm exactly sorry to leave this job, but I am going to regret for years to come that I was just another person to leave these kids behind. My students - the only thing that keeps me from feeling truly awful about leaving them is knowing that I will have a hand in finding someone who will care about them and nurture them as close to how I would do it if I were still there next year.
Still . . . there's a pretty big part of me that feels like a wuss and that my lack of pay check and AWFUL experiences early-on with my boss(es) is a cop out for running away from icky, hard work.
Not that teaching high school English will be a breeze . . . but going from inner city schools to a private boarding school seems like a betrayal, somehow.
I guess it's just one I'll have to live with!
In the meantime, it's incredibly satisfying to see that I actually DID help my students improve their reading and writing skills, that I did reach out and they did hear me. I think I made a difference for a lot of them, at least for this year, and what more could a body ask for than to know they're leaving having made the world a little better?
3 comments:
I think you're being too hard on yourself. You worked very hard for those kids with miserable working conditions. You can only do so much.
Hi Frien Frien,
I love that you shared your reflection on this time in your life with us...and I think it's a feeling a lot of people feel. It's tough finding a balance between what we feel gratified doing, and what keeps us sane. But think of it this way, these kids were lucky enough to have this time with you...other kids don't even get that. And on top of it, you're opening up that opportunity for someone else to come in and learn about their strengths and how much of an impact they can have one these children who need some extra attention. Also, take comfort in knowing that you've been grooming these children and many of them will take the skills you gave them and move forward to bigger and better things. You may feel like it was only a year that you had with them, but that's a WHOLE YEAR and that is a huge amount of time in the developmental cycle of a child...you could have given one of those kids the confidence to know that they will be something, and that is both a remarkable achievement, and all you can do. Besides, those private school girls in Maryland have an entirely different world of problems to cope with and things to learn about themselves...and I can't think of anyone better suited to help them through this time...or any better place for you to learn even more about the great things you are capable of. Now, go forth and be brilliant! AKA, just be yourself ;)
Wow! You love me! I hear what you're saying, and I agree. It's just my sneaky pessimistic nature that makes me feel like a rotten person for "only" staying with the program for a year.
Intellectually, I'm with you - I KNOW I helped a lot of kiddos, and I do feel really good about that.
Thanks for the encouragement!
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