Ruminations

The longer I'm married, the more I believe that marriage isn't just a thing you do one day, and then you're magically in a committed relationship. It's not something that you can wind up, set, and then let it tick-tock away, like a watch.

Marriage happens everyday, without witnesses, sometimes even without your husband present in the same room. It's a series of conscious decisions two people make - to be joyful, tender, and meticulous with each other, to forgive (really forgive), to give solace when it's needed and have confidence that help will come - to love each other to the best of their abilities, and by its very nature, marriage is a tenuous thing. Assuming that it brings stability and certainty to a relationship based on a couple hours spent in a suit or a white(ish) dress is foolish.

Who's to say that one morning my husband won't wake up and decide not to make the decisions he's made for the past six years? What if I wake up unwilling to continue loving him? This, ultimately, is the big deal about being married. This is the thing I need to learn. This is the kind of faith we need to embrace.

How do other successfully married people gain the confidence in themselves and their spouses that every morning they will make these decisions? Maybe it never happens. Maybe the uncertainty is what makes marriage precious, and paradoxically, ensures that the decisions get made. Now that's a wild thought!

I still feel like there's some secret that I have yet to discover that will set my heart at ease and allow me to stop (internally) freaking out every time CL and I have a little quarrel or spat. I'm waiting for the time when my immediate thought upon "fighting" with him isn't "Oh My God! Does this mean we shouldn't have gotten married? What if we made a mistake, and we're destined for bitterness and resentment, rather than the sweetness and joy we thought we'd have?" Stupid thoughts, I know, especially considering that I've been with this same man since well before we tied the knot, but still . . . I worry about my own commitment, my own fickle nature. I am still not settled into my marriage, and I worry about what that means.

Granted, I have some pretty horrendous examples of marriages in my family to freak out about - my grandparents being particularly awful at the whole forgiveness and love thing - but my parents have been happily married for almost 40 years now, so I've got that to look to also. But the longer I'm married, the more I discover about what it really means, the more I realize I don't know about how my parents have stayed married and in love for all these years. Or anyone, for that matter. I guess, what I'm wondering is: How do you DO this?

And my answer, if I quiet all the muckety-muck that is my internal monologue, is this:

Jillian, you wake up next to him every morning. You choose to be generous with your time, your patience, your love, your sweetness. You choose to do these things. It doesn't just happen, and no one can demand it of you. In choosing, you reaffirm that you're a willing partner in the marriage, and that whatever else happens that day, you know you'll lay your head to rest beside him again that night. Godwilling.